ISSUE 99: The struggle of an all or nothing gal
I’m continually working on moving on from my all-or-nothing mentality. Maybe I’m stubborn, perhaps it’s a lack of balance, maybe I’m a Gemini. But I struggle with it big time. Sometimes I feel like I’m either sicklily obsessed with something or completely repulsed, there’s no in-between.
As my brain does its best to reprogram itself, I sometimes revert to my old ways of thinking and reacting.
I had a really hard month, probably the worst of my life. There was loss, fighting, contention, screaming, crying, tension, stress, and pain. Even when I wasn’t actively upset in the moment I was feeling the effects of the stress without even realizing it.
But I have also had some really incredibly beautiful moments. I just had a really magical work trip, where I got to do my dream job, hang out with my favorite people, and walk on the beach every morning. I healed generations of trauma as I walked in the sand, ate a double cheeseburger, and wore clothes for the first time on the plane instead of sweats. And it felt amazing!
As I now sit on the plane (I’m writing this in my notes app) I was thinking about what my dad would think when he picks me up from the airport and I blissfully tell him I’m how happy and grateful I feel— but a week ago I showed up sobbing at my parents’ house at 2 am and ending up sleeping at their couch.
Is he going to think I’m bonkers? Am I “all over the place”? Am I bipolar?1
But then I realized that if anyone is all over the place it’s not me, it’s life. And here’s the thing, I’m just a human living in it. And I’m just here to feel all the things.
even if it makes me feel like this:
Xx Chloe
I know this is nothing to joke about, I genuinely wondered if I was