issue 153: practice

Here’s The Thing Newsletter

In my late twenties I’ve had some fun tendencies pop up. If you were to google the symptoms of “pure ocd” you would get a really good idea of what I’ve been experiencing,

It has been a slow burn but felt really random at the same time. Last summer I found myself standing in the grocery store getting my boyfriend ice cream. I was completely frozen and unable to grab the flavor he wanted (Ben & Jerry’s Gimme S’mores) because I was certain that one of the pints was poisoned but I wasn’t sure which one. I know it’s absurd, but it feels so real in the moment. I couldn’t physically grab the very first option because then I would be falling for the trick. But I couldn’t decide if I should grab the second, third, or fourth option. (I  genuinely can’t believe I’m sharing this) I closed my eyes and decided that I might be facing my boyfriend’s death, but I’ll just grab, like the third one in the row. I got the hell out of that grocery store because I was worried that my thoughts would trigger the poisoning.

When I got home to bring my boyfriend his ice cream and felt myself returning to reality I looked down and realized I was holding a pint of Mint Cookie. Mind you I was bringing Nick ice cream because he was working a night/weekend shift on call and needed a treat. Nick hates mint cookie ice cream. I guess it had been put in the wrong row, and in my haze I grabbed it so fast I didn’t even check the flavor.

Turning around to get a new pint was no big deal, and Mint Cookie happens to be my favorite flavor, so hey! But as I sat on my couch contemplating my mental health over the perfect combination of mint and chocolate, I realized that I was going to have to face this issue with exposure therapy. Everytime I had a “bad feeling” about a piece of gum or couldn’t grab what I needed at the grocery store I had to just mock the voice in my head and do it anyway. I made a new rule that I have to grab the first in the row without second guessing (unless of course it is coffee creamer, because you want the freshest option)

I still find myself struggling with compulsions and darker intrusive thoughts (just yesterday I thought I was alone and my boyfriend witnessed me knocking on wood in sincerity) but the grocery store has become a safe space for me again. The “exposure therapy” worked wonders.

It’s no secret that my newsletter has been incredibly inconsistent the past two years or so, after two years of not missing a single week. I’ve wanted to come back but I didn’t want to force it. I don’t like taking up space on the internet unless it feels aligned and worthwhile, but I also wondered why nothing was coming to me and when I would be free from this hell of a writers block.

15 minutes ago I remembered the power of practice and this whole issue came to me in a flow. And it felt really good to write

Practice really is just exposure therapy isn’t it?

The part two years I’ve been in a flurry and have gotten out of the practice of slowing down and reflecting. So I haven’t had much to share. I don’t really have regrets as I am a big “everything happens for a reason” person (sue me) but I think I’m ready to come back, for good this time.

So here’s the thing, nothing is wrong with you. You just need a little practice.

Thanks for being here!

Xx Chloe

BTW THIS ISNT MEDICAL ADVICE! ALSO IVE RECENTLY BEEN ON MEDICATION AND ITS BEEN HELPING A LOT! ILL BE OK JUST SHARING MY EXPERIENCE