This week I lost a friend. A friend named Conner. A friend who adored me. A friend I adored! The only death I’ve really experienced, close to me, has been elderly.
Part of me even feels that I’m not even worthy to write about my friend Conner. Between siblings, a lover, and friends that have known him double the years, I wanted to make sure that sharing my feelings wasn’t self-indulgent or performative.
But my friend Conner was (IS) too good not to write about. Conner and I spoke the same language of sensitivity, even my boyfriend noticed it. We were both oldest siblings. We’re both a bit perverted, sharing details and “embarrassing” stories that would make others cringe, but us laugh like seventh graders, with our noses scrunched and our eyebrows raised.
Conner was magic! Beyond his card tricks, he had a sparkle in his eye. I highly recommend watching this video when you’re done reading this.
Conner had big feelings about what was going on in the world, but somehow he wasn’t the type to use that against anyone. He reached out to me again and again, even if a call was unanswered and a text (“You’re sick again, what can I bring you?”) sat unopened.
As I move through the absolutely insane waves of grief, I’m navigating shame spirals, vulnerability hangovers, existential doubt, and loneliness. But somehow, it doesn’t make me want to stop living, it makes me want to live even more.
I’m not sure if I wrote this newsletter to remind you to cherish the little things and just do what you’re scared to do, or if I just wanted to tell you guys all about my friend Conner. Because he was so awesome, can’t you tell? But if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that life is a beautiful day because he was in it, and I’ve never been more grateful to live another beautiful day.
The sending-off song of the week is a glorious tribute to Conner, hand-selected by my boyfriend Nick.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I can tell that he really has such a special soul. It seems that he will stay close around you forever. ❤️