When I first started this newsletter I wrote my infamous (to me) issue about the zests of life. I illustrated and described all the small moments that made life worth living.
Think: birds chirping, dogs sleeping with their heads on pillows like humans, flaky sea salt on butter spread on the part of sourdough bread where the bread meets the crust. Smelling your coffee grounds in the morning. Sunshine on your skin as you stick your head out of the window of the car. Harry Potter! A fun interaction at the grocery store. Pistachio gelato.
But lately I’ve been obsessed with looking for proof of life. Small moments of connection that go outside of my little orbit. I think I got sick of thinking about myself. I think I’ve been a little lonely! But not in a horrible way, I’m just sick of everything being about me and my days.
In the past when I’ve felt big and alone I would go on a morning walk. Seeing families wake up and get ready for school and work made me feel so small and (what’s the opposite of lonely? That) It is so comforting to see other lives being lived.
When I feel lonely, anxious, stressed and like I can’t do what I need to do, I feel big, and like I’m taking up all the energy and life from around me. I forget there is life being lived around me! That doesn’t involve me!
I like to feel small and surrounded. It doesn’t mean I have to be surrounded by people all the time. (I’m either the biggest extroverted introvert in the world, or the biggest introverted extrovert in the world)
I just like seeing proof of life.
I have found that I’m less obsessed with feeling happy all the time. I’m just happy to be feeling.
Proof of life feels like watching my dogs ears flop when I take her potty in the morning when it’s cold and I want her to hurry but gosh, I love watching those ears flop. Being so annoyed at my neighbors for having loud parties and keeping me up at night that sometimes I feel like I HATE them, and my “goal” in life was to never hate someone. Even Donald Trump!
Having a moment of hatred felt amazing, it’s a feeling I’ve always been against, but hey, it’s a FEELING! I’m alive! Of course I don’t hate my neighbors, I just hate when they have really loud parties past quiet hours. And honestly, good for them. How great is a good party? I love to party.
Proof of life is seeing kids go off to school. Feeling anxious about loving Harry Potter so much because JK Rowling kinda sucks. Feeling ugly in a photo. Feeling stunning on a random afternoon. Breakups. Finishing a really good book that feels you with a manic-like feeling of a new piece of knowledge that you will carry on forever—I’ll never forget the tears that came to my eyes when I knew that from the moment Harry Potter was born he had “beat” Voldemort because he had felt and experienced love. Knowing that my dog will always love my boyfriend more than me, but I will always be her number two, which is a gift! Saying the wrong thing. Being scared to say the wrong thing.
I guess the thing I’m describing is being present. It always comes down to that doesn’t it?
xx Chloe
I love that you connect feeling lonely with being too consumed by yourself… I relate to that so much 🥲 Maybe I’ll go take a walk today to see proof of life!!!