Have you ever woken up so anxious and overwhelmed that you feel frozen? No song can cheer you up. You can’t even go get a fun little coffee because your heart is already racing. You feel like the weight of your tasks is too much to bear, and you consider moving to a small island, working at a local grocery store, and never having responsibilities again?
Personally,
I get the Sunday Scaries, the Monday Scaries, the Tuesday Gloom, the Hump Day Overwhelm, The “At Least It’s Almost Friday” Virus, and the “TGIF, How Can I Focus”
Don’t get me started on Saturday (the day when I am so stressed that the weekend is halfway over already and I might waste it)
Whenever these feelings pop up I am so frustrated. I love my job, I love my house, I have the best dog ever, I love my business, the weather is really nice, and everyone in my family is alive and well. I check in on the app that tracks my hormones to see I’m in my Ovulatory phase, where my eggs are at “peak performace” and I should be experiencing “Tiger Energy.” But I feel like I am being chased by a tiger.
I tried to find the bottom line. The summary. The overarching feeling I was experiencing.
“I am behind. I am drowning. I always have been and I always will be”
My anxiety lives in a state of never feeling caught up on my tasks or living up to my ambitions. So even when I’m doing great at work, I can’t give myself props because my house isn’t clean enough. My inbox might be cleared but I can’t enjoy it because I’m thinking about how many times I’ve let it get too full.
Today is the Tuesday after Memorial Day and after the weekend of my birthday. I woke up anxious as hell. I was so overwhelmed I felt like I couldn’t move. Before the day even started I had an overwhelming feeling that I had already forgotten everything I needed to do and let everyone down. My house was messy, my insurance was expired, my toilet started running for the third time, and I needed to squeeze in an everything shower before the day started.
I felt so sick to my stomach about my unworthiness and my inabilities that I knew the only thing I could do to move through this hell was to put down my head and get started. I sat on the couch with my laptop, working so hard I didn’t move for four hours. I was so scared of letting myself down and giving in to my fears that I had no choice but to focus on the present moment. It was like a flow state fueled by fear. Every task I accomplished fueled me to do the next, and before I knew it, I was feeling amazing. I had a great and productive work day. I had time to grab a cold brew and take my dog to the park for a 20-minute breather.
It’s 5:01pm and this morning feels like a dream that never even happened. I feel like an ovulating tiger!
Maybe the mornings like that are here to fuel me and provide a productive day. To teach me lessons (gaslight the voices in your head by living in the present moment)
I can’t help but feel… grateful? Grateful for the good mornings, grateful for the bad ones. Because here’s the thing, I’m just happy to be alive.
xx Chloe