I recently realized that I haven’t been taking very good care of myself.
I thought that because I had considered myself to be healed from an eating disorder and had a genuine desire to feed myself, that I was taking care of myself. I thought that because I have a holistic health coach certification, I was taking care of myself. I thought that because I had healed my gut health issues and digesting like a queen for the most part…. I was clearly taking care of myself.
And ya know what? As I type that out I’m proud of myself all over again. But it doesn’t mean that I’m actually taking care of myself.
I’ve been stuck in an endless loop that has me feeling like silly putty or glue. Despite being a happy and functioning, breathing and passionate person, I also feel really weak. Emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.
But I didn’t feel like I was “working hard enough” to be exhausted, because symptoms of my ADHD were absolutely raging. I didn’t feel like I had earned my exhaustion because I sometimes didn’t accomplish what I wanted to in a day.
As I moved through a lovely season of summer I wondered when a download or realization would come through that would clear the fog. I thought back to 2020 when I was feeling really happy and balanced. I wondered why the first year of the global pandemic was somehow less stressful than life now.
This is obvious, right? In 2020 I was privileged enough to slow down. I invested in a mindful manifestation program where I learned about everything from chakras to financial literacy. I did 30+ minutes of yoga every day. I walked at least an hour every day. I listened to podcasts and walked neighborhoods lined with variations of my dream home and thought about my hopes and my dreams. My dream business! I had way less on my plate and a queue of podcast episodes to cruise through.
And now my dream business is actually growing and I’m actually making art I’m proud of. I have a *really cool* day job. I love how I dress. I am confident. I have found my lifelong best friends. My apartment is decorated how I want it to.
In true Gemini spirit, I’ve been feeling a roller coaster of emotions.
Spoiler: What I’ve been missing is that god damn morning routine. That quiet time. The time to connect with myself and let my poor brain have a break. Late nights these days have been crucial for fulfilling orders, answering emails, working on custom projects, and plowing through eatdeux cookie dough. Since I need and believe in the power of a solid night’s sleep, to catch up, I started sleeping in until 7:30-8. I would try to do my morning routine but I was so groggy I would get distracted and read for like 15 minutes and then end up on Pinterest. I started to lose touch with my highest self. Since I had that spiritual awakening in 2020 I thought that once I found her, I wouldn’t lose her. Like cutting back on my yoga and meditations didn’t matter because I already “knew.” I forgot that relationships require upkeep.
But who am I to be upset over the fact that I had to learn a lesson?
I don’t have to be mad about the year I’ve spent without savoring my mornings. Losing the loving care I used to get from myself is making me 10x more appreciative to receive it now. I don’t have to be filled with regret. I honestly had a great time staying up to rewatch the Kardashians while I worked and I made some real leaps in my business during those late hours.
I’m smiling to myself as I type because I’ve found a way to romanticize the thing that gave me permanent bags under my eyes. I’m so grateful for the contrast that showed me what my soul wants and desperately needs:
My morning routine, connecting with myself.
So here’s the thing, maybe the secret to success is being willing to pivot, start over or even work backward.
P.S. make time for the things you love!
Xx Chloe
Sorry, there hasn’t been a song of the week. When I write these newsletters at midnight my boyfriend is asleep and unable to recommend your song. That’s obviously about to change ;)
So here ya go:
I just discovered your blog and really like it! I'm sending you positive thoughts and vibes, and looking forward to following along with your journey. I can relate to many of the feelings that you are having.